A Biblical Approach to Dealing with Grief

This past week as I attended the funeral of a member of our church, and watched as grief overtook his family (our dear friends and fellow church members), I was brought back to the day, almost exactly 4 years ago, when our family suffered similar circumstances in the death of my wife's mother.

As I looked around, I saw so many who had experienced grief at some point in their lives. Grief is part of this life. Solomon declares in Ecclesiastes chapter 3…


Ecclesiastes 3:1 To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:


He goes on to state in verse 4 that there is a time to weep and there is a time to mourn. As we live this life and experience the loss...either the loss of a loved one, the loss of good health, the loss of a job, some other tragedy, or are brought face to face with our sinfulness we will experience grief.


What is Grief?


Grief – intense, deep, and profound sorrow: great sadness, especially as a result of a death, divorce, or other tragic event.

Other words synonymous with grief include sorrow, heartache, anguish, angst, pain, misery, unhappiness…the list goes on and on.


In a desire to better understand grief, I turned to the Word of God to see instances of men and women of God submerged in grief and see biblically how they dealt with it. I used a Strong’s Concordance to look up in the original languages (Hebrew and Greek) words such as grief, grieved, vexed and vexation.

The Hebrew and Greek word meanings contained many different emotions such as anger; displeasure; sadness; sickness; longing; striving; distress; a feeling of being broken, fractured, crushed, shattered, ruined; enraged; bitter. All these emotions are tied to grief.


Grief is like an overpowering, overwhelming, emotional storm that devastates us as we go through it and leaves a trail of destruction in its wake. It leaves us feeling as though our lives have been shattered beyond any possibility of restoration. We feel like Humpty-Dumpty… all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.


In the years since I’ve joined my church, every family, every person has been affected by grief. Grief is an experience like no other. Scripture records many occasions where men and women have gone through these appointed times of grief in both the Old and New Testaments.


Examples noted in Scripture:

Hannah – 1 Samuel 1:1-16

Job - Job 1:1- 3:1

David – 1 Samuel 30:1-6

Peter – Luke 22:54-62

Jesus Christ - Isaiah 53:3


Here is a grief model the experts call the 7 Stages of Grief:

1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT- As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully. Don’t hide it. Don’t avoid it or seek to escape from it.

Jesus Christ, our Lord and Messiah, in Matthew 26:37-42 and Luke 22:39-46, felt the heaviness of grief. He was greatly sorrowed in that He knew exactly what the payment for every sin of everyone of the people given to Him, before the foundation of the world, was…it was the full wrath of Almighty God being poured out on Him and crushing Him for their sins.

Being God, He alone knew what that entailed and He knew it would mean being forsaken of God the Father. Never before had God the Son and God the Father been separated. Jesus Christ said, "if it be Thy will, let this cup pass from me," yet, in prayer to God the Father, He said, “nevertheless, not my will be done.” That heaviness, that pain is part of grief.

Not only is pain a part of grief, but you may also experience guilty feelings, remorse or frustration over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase. As you hurt, try to remember that according to Ephesians 1:11, our Lord worketh all things after the counsel of His own will…there’s nothing we could have done or can do right now that will change what God purposed.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING- Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for your on someone else... even on God. Please try to remember Job’s reaction and like him, don’t foolishly accuse God (Job 1:20-22; 2:10-13). As we read this account in Job, too often, we read of the reaction of Job's wife and look upon her as weak person. We have to remember that she too lost every one of her children. She lost her source of income. She watched as her husband's health was taken away. We forget that she reacted exactly as we would have.

This stage of grief is a time for the release of raw bottled up emotion. It is possible that true believer may rail against God, questioning "Why is this happening to me…what have I done to deserve this?" If you do…if you say or think these things, and we are capable of doing so, remember that He knows how frail we are.

Psalm 103:13-14
13 Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.
14 For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.


That word “pitieth” is transalted from a Hebrew word that means to love…love deeply, have mercy on, be compassionate toward, and hold in tender affection.

Though we would never want to rail upon our God, we are frail and it is possible we may do so. He understands…He loves us.

You may not only experience anger, but may also try to bargain in vain with Him for a way out of your despair..."I will do anything you want if only you just bring him back." In 1 Samuel 1:11, we see Hannah bargaining with God to end her grief by giving her a son.

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- Just when your friends, who have your best in mind, think you should be getting on with your life...a long period of sad reflection may overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief. Well-meaning friends and family may try to talk you out of this time of deep reflection. Encouragement from others may not be helpful to you during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did or didn't do with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. During this time you may cry until you can cry no more as David and his men did in 1 Samuel 30:4.

5. THE UPWARD TURN- As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, or to life with the understanding that you or someone close to you has an incurable disease, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly. As you feel that you are able to breath again, turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems. Seek the Lord’s mercy and ask Him to rebuild your life as you carry on without your loved one.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE- During this, the final stage in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you may never return to the carefree, untroubled you that existed before this tragedy. Some have said that losing a loved one is like having to live with an amputated arm or leg…you do heal, but you are really never the same. However, by the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, you will find a way forward. You will start to look forward to and actually plan for the future. Eventually, you will be able to think about your lost loved one, or loss without pain; sadness, yes, but the wrenching pain will be gone. You will once again anticipate some good times to come, and yes, even find joy again in the experience of living.


As we have been speaking about grief, and realizing that not a one of us is exempt from the experience of it, let us look to the inspired word of God for a Biblical approach to working through grief. In my estimation, there is no great thing a grieving soul can do than look to the word of God and see how He, as the Great Shepherd, has lead others through dark times of grief.


A Biblical Approach to working through grief would include…


1. Like Hannah, take your grief, feelings, emotions and pain to the Lord in prayer. (1 Samuel 1:15 She poured out her soul before the LORD.)


2. Remember Psalm 103:13-14… Just as a dad deeply loves, is merciful and compassionate toward, and has tender affection for his own children, so too does God the Father toward those who fear Him. He is compassionate toward us as He knows our frailty.


Hebrews 4:15-16
15 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.
16 Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.


3. Encourage yourself in the Lord your God as David did in 1 Samuel 30:6… verse 6 begins with “And David was greatly distressed” and ends with “but David encouraged (grew strong) himself in the Lord his God.”


4. Finally…put your hope in God as David did when he wrote these words...


Psalm 42:6-11
6 O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar.
7 Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me.
8 Yet the Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.
9 I will say unto God my rock, Why hast Thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
10 As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?
11 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted with in? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise Him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.


Brothers and Sisters…grief will come. When it does…and for some of you who are now experiencing it, know that our Messiah, our Kinsman Redeemer, our Lord Jesus Christ, who, according to Isaiah 53:3, was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief, is sitting at the right hand of God the Father interceding for you. He is touched by your grief. He shares your pain. He will lead you through it as the Good Shepherd always does. He will never leave you. You are never alone…even when you isolate yourself in quiet solitude. He will never forsake you. Find your peace and comfort in Him.


May our God, the God of all comfort (according to 2 Corinthians 1:3-6), over flow you with His grace that is sufficient for you in your time of need.


May He bless you and keep you. May He make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you. May He lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace.

The cry for mercy will be heard.

I suppose a majority of the unregenerate souls in this world are under the impression that once a person comes to faith in Christ, they sin no more.  That’s not what the Bible teaches. Just read Romans 7:14-25. The Apostle Paul states he did what he didn’t allow himself to do. The things he wanted to do, he didn’t. The things he hated were the things he did.  Why? He did so because of sin.  When he wanted to do good, evil was present with him. It’s no different for any person who believes on the Lord Jesus Christ today.

We don’t want to sin, and yet we do.  The question is what do we do once we have sinned? Do we stay there, or do we repent? The Bible says in Proverbs 24:16…

Proverbs 24:16  For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again: but the wicked shall fall into mischief.

What does that mean? Simply this…a true Christian will sin, but will repent, get right with God and rise up again.  Not so with the wicked. A person with an unregenerate heart, even one professing to know Christ, will sin (fall into mischief) and stay there making excuses and blaming others in an attempt to remove the responsibility for sin from himself and shifting it to others.

Something else we need to realize is that there are consequences to our sin and they don’t only affect us.  Sin is far reaching. David, king of Israel, sinned and tried to cover it up. He found out the hard way that a man’s sins will find him out.

Numbers 32:23  …behold, ye have sinned against the LORD; and be sure your sin will find you out.

What did David do after his sin found him out? He repented of his sin and rose up again. Read Psalm 51. It is here we read of his repentance before Holy God.  A broken spirit and a broken and contrite heart is what God is looking for.  When that happens in the life of the Christian, God will be pleased with his sacrifices.

Though David repented of his sin and the LORD forgave him; though he was restored to right fellowship with God, yet there were consequences that he and his family had to live with the rest of his life. David had given the enemies of God occasion to blaspheme His Holy name. His youngest son died and the sword never departed from David’s house, meaning there was always strife and envy between the members of his family.

Understand that sin deserves the full wrath of God. According to the word of God, sin must be dealt with.  God is a just God and He is neither unfair, nor unjust to exact upon a man that which he rightly deserves. However, God is a God of mercy as well. It is not wrong for Him to extend His mercy as He pleases. His justice and His mercy are not at odds with one another. They do not war against one another. Rather they are in perfect harmony as are all His attributes.  

Titus 3:5  Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy he saved us, by the washing of regeneration, and renewing of the Holy Ghost.

In reference to the true believer who has sinned, is God wrong to forgive him of his sin? No!  Here’s why not. His sin was justly dealt with on the Cross of Calvary. He didn’t get a free pass for his sins. Jesus Christ paid the full price for that sin, and now the believer is no longer a servant to sin, nor is he the master of his own ship…he was bought with a price and is a servant to Christ…a child of God. As such, God will chasten those who are His when they sin.

Hebrews 12:6  For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth.

Yes, as Christians, we will be chastened for our sin, yet in repentance, there is nothing wrong with asking for mercy. The people of Israel, God’s chosen nation, had sinned against God in worshipping idols and false gods. God sent His prophets to warn the people that failure to repent would result in the severe chastening of the Lord.

They rejected the prophets and in so doing, rejected God. He chastened them hard. Habakkuk, one of God’s prophets, prayed this prayer as the chastening hand of God came upon Israel…

Habakkuk 3:2  O LORD, I have heard thy speech, and was afraid: O LORD, revive thy work in the midst of the years, in the midst of the years make known; in wrath remember mercy.

God is a merciful God. He hears the penitent prayers of His people. He will show mercy upon whom He will show mercy and compassion upon whom He will show compassion. Concerning God’s mercy, A.W. Tozer wrote, “To receive mercy we must first know that God is merciful. And it is not enough to believe that He once showed mercy to Noah or Abraham or David and will again show mercy in some happy future day. We must believe that God’s mercy is boundless, free and, through Jesus Christ our Lord, available to us now in our present situation.”

The publican in Luke 18:13-14 recognized he was a sinner in need of a Savior and he cried out for the mercy of God. God was merciful and he went to his house justified or in right standing with God.  

If you are saved and presently struggling with sin, go to Christ in repentance and faith and seek His mercy. Otherwise, you will suffer the consequences of your sin and it won’t be only you who suffers. Your family, as well as your friends, will suffer along with you.  

If you have an unregenerate heart, yet realize you are a sinner and your sin is against a Holy God, whose wrath is abiding on you right now, seek Christ while he may be found. Call upon Him while He is near. Forsake your own wicked way and unrighteous thoughts and turn unto the Lord. Cry out to Him for mercy…and He will have mercy on you and will abundantly pardon you.  He will take out that stony heart and replace it with a heart of flesh. He will quicken your spirit, give you the gifts of repentance and faith and save your soul.  Whoever comes to Christ will not be cast out.